David Blackmer, MSC

The hooding ceremony for master's degree students

Dave and his proud parents

It's quite an incredible story, really. One evening Dave and I arrived at home and he sat at the kitchen table and opened the mail. He read a letter from Westminster College inviting him to apply for their new Master's in Strategic Communication degree. He decided to apply. Dave had considered getting a master's degree in the past but hadn't felt that it was for him. Suddenly, by simply opening the mail, our lives were changed. It was a very difficult year and a half, especially since the girls came to us. Dave pulled many all-nighters and spent many evenings and Saturdays away from home. But he excelled at everything he did in the program. He blew away his professors and colleagues with his exceptional work. He got straight A's and learned so much from the project-based program. He designed his own website that you really should check out: www.davidblackmer.com. Then, only hours after completing his last project, he was called to the bishopric in our ward. :)

The Homecoming

Over the holiday break we had a few play dates with the girls to get them ready to move back in with us. They got to meet my sister and her husband who were in town from Virginia.
B loved living with Melissa's family and it was devastating to her to have to leave. She wanted them to adopt her. Melissa was wonderful about repeatedly explaining to her why she thought our home would be best for her and T.
B had asked me to decorate her bedroom and surprise her. Everything was hearts, zebra print and One Direction. I had so much fun getting ready for the girls to come back!
It was a difficult transition for B. We decided to keep her in Melissa's school so that she could keep that connection to her family and so that she didn't have to go through yet another change. She had already changed schools once that year when she moved in with Melissa. Three schools in one year would have been too much. It turns out that her school was only a few minutes from Dave's work, so he drives her to school each day.
A few weeks after the girls came to live with us, B asked me what would change when she got adopted. She did not want to return to live with her birth family. I told her that she would call me and Dave "mom" and "dad," and she called us that from then on.
T, on the other hand, called every woman she saw "mommy" and every man she saw "daddy." When we were at the store, I would point to a woman and say, "That's a lady. Where's mommy?" and have her point to me. It took several months before she attached to me as her mommy and called other females by their names. I'm so grateful that I have been able to stay at home with her full-time so that I am her only caregiver and she can understand what a mommy is.
When I started volunteering in B's classroom, she introduced me as her step mom. It was hard for her to explain to her friends who I was and why I didn't look anything like her.
B decided that she wanted to take cheerleading classes. She absolutely rocked at it! She practiced all of the time at home. She was one of the only students in her class to learn both of the cheers. Her teacher gave her a solo in her performance. Her caseworker and many family members came out to support her.
Once again, life felt unreal. It was like the previous six weeks without the girls hadn't happened. We settled into a wonderful routine and felt like a family again.

Parenting an Older Child

I initially thought it would be so sweet to foster children age 6 and younger, the ages of children we would have had, had we been able to become pregnant when we first started trying. Then when Dave and I were being trained to be foster parents, we learned about the huge need of homes for older children. We decided to be licensed for children up to age 10. I am SO grateful we did, or we would not have met our amazing B! Now she's 9 and I'm realizing how hard it is to parent a child who I would have had when I was 22. Over my years of infertility, I kind of lost touch with a lot of my friends who were starting families. The mom friends I have today are my age and they have toddlers and babies. I can't ask them for advice about sleepovers, homework or chores. B doesn't go to a school in our neighborhood so I haven't gotten to know the moms of her friends at school. B's friends' moms in the neighborhood are much older than I am and it has been harder to connect with them. So I kind of feel like I'm on my own in parenting a nine-year-old. It has been a challenge.

Back to Waiting

I got really, really sick the last week the girls were with us. The day that the girls were to leave, I got a phone call from our caseworker about a toddler and a newborn baby that needed a place to stay. The baby had been exposed to drugs in utero and was going through withdrawals. I would have needed to be up all night with him. My caseworker heard my voice on the phone and knew how sick I was and that I wouldn't be able to stay up all night with the baby, so she said "no" for me. :)
I decided to quit my part-time teaching job. Of the three weeks that the girls were with us, I had only taught for one week. I had taken a week off to be with the girls and take them to their appointments and court. Then I took a week off when I got terribly sick. I didn't see how I could balance foster parenting and teaching. It was a bit of a risk, though, because I didn't know when we'd be receiving another placement (or if our girls would be coming back to us - still hoping), so I was facing an unknown future full of unstructured days.
We had decided to take 2-3 weeks off of foster parenting to recover. We let our caseworker know that she could call us about other placements after that. I had been sleeping about four hours a night while the girls were with us, our house was a mess, and we were still mourning. We learned a lot about how unprepared we were to be parents. I had done so much research on foster care, grief and trauma, PTSD, etc. but I had neglected to research discipline, bedtime, healthy snacks, etc. We also really didn't have very many toys or kids' activities.
About a week later, we got a phone call asking if we would take two young boys. We were still mourning and recovering.We decided we weren't ready yet and we said "no."
We got another phone call for three boys. Dave and I had been so overwhelmed by two kids and felt that we could only handle two - one for each of us. We decided to stick with two kids, so we said no.
We called the girls often. We were so happy that they were doing well with their relatives. B was asked to testify in court a couple of times and it was very distressing. I'm so glad that she was with Melissa to get the support she needed. They were able to see their grandparents and cousins often. B started going to the elementary school where Melissa taught and two of her cousins went, so she was with her family all of the time. Every time we talked, it was clear that they were very happy living with their relatives. They were safe and being cared for.
One day I got a phone call from Melissa asking me if I could take T out of daycare and take care of her. She was sick and couldn't stay in daycare, and Melissa was at work. I jumped at the opportunity and loved playing with the sweet little girl I missed so much. When I met Melissa to drop off T, we chatted for awhile and got to know each other.
A few weeks later it was B's birthday. We bought her some gifts and Melissa dropped off both of the girls for a morning so that we could hang out together. We dressed up and made movies. T kept hugging me so tight. I knew she was glad to see me again. I just wanted to burst into tears, I was so happy having the girls back, even if for a little while.
I babysat T another day when Melissa and B went to court and then went shopping together afterward. Melissa told me some things that she had found out from B about her birth mother. Melissa's family had not been told why the girls had been removed from the home and now she was hearing about it and was shocked. She said that she and her husband had taken the girls in with the intent of them going back to their birth mother. Now they didn't want that. They also had never intended to adopt the girls if they couldn't return to their birth mother. As I listened to Melissa tell me all of this, I was not surprised at all. It was exactly what I had hoped and prayed for and truly felt was going to happen. God had been reassuring me all along. Melissa was very aware how much we loved the girls and wanted to adopt them. She told me that it was an incredibly difficult decision, but that she felt that our home was the best place for the girls to be. I am so grateful to Melissa and her family for trusting us and choosing us to take the girls. I can't imagine being in her position. To say we were overjoyed at this news would be a massive understatement. On Christmas Eve, we were able to tell our families about our Christmas Miracle - the girls would be returning to us in January!

The Goodbye

We made arrangements for the girls' aunt Melissa to pick them up on a Friday. We didn't know her very well, but B had told me great things about her. She used to take the girls on the weekends when they were living with their grandparents. She took them to the zoo and her sons' baseball games and they had movie nights together every Friday night. They are a great family and the girls adore them.
I kept telling myself during the weeks leading up to the goodbye that this was what I signed up for. I would do whatever was best for the girls. Foster parenting isn't about me, it's about the kids.
The girls had several garbage bags full of new clothes, bedding, toys, and all of the other goodies they got while living with us. We walked the girls out to the car and hugged them goodbye at the car. Dave and I were both crying a lot. B asked us why we were crying. I guess we didn't prepare her enough for the goodbye. She was so happy to be going to live with her relatives, she didn't understand why we would be sad. Dave and I walked back to the house, holding onto each other, just sobbing. We cried for awhile, and then we got dinner and watched Psych together, which is what we always used to do before the girls came to us. It was unreal. It was like the past three weeks had never happened. We were back to what we were used to.
I wasn't as sad as I had expected to be, and it was because I was still hopeful that the girls' birth mother wouldn't get them back and their relatives wouldn't be able to adopt them and they would come back to us. I was so hopeful it was almost a surety.

The First Three Weeks

We decided to keep B in her current school so she went to school the next day. That night we went shopping for Halloween costumes. I didn't know anything about how to get a child to take a nap, so T ended up falling asleep on my shoulder while we were shopping. We came home and made homemade pizza for dinner. The girls were so excited to help. I almost cried because for years I have dreamed of cooking with my kids. Dave took a picture of us that is one of my favorite pictures. Family stopped by to meet the girls and Dave and I got a million texts and phone calls of congratulations. I took the girls to a church trunk-or-treat activity on Saturday. I think that the girls felt like they were on display because everyone was looking at them and wanting to meet them. A few people asked if they were my "foster kids." The same thing happened at church the following day. T was very wary of men when she first came to us, and a couple of men tried to pick her up. She didn't want that at all. This really irked Dave, because he hadn't even been able to pick her up yet. We realized that we should have prepped friends and family more for these girls' situations and needs.
Our stake has a rule that if men bless or pass the sacrament they have to stay up front for the entire meeting. I was so proud of Dave when, after the sacrament was over, he walked straight over to our pew and sat with us. Apparently, after he did that, the stake president changed his mind about that rule.
T threw a few tantrums and I didn't know how to handle them. We left church early and planned on driving around to get T to fall asleep. As I was putting T in her seat, B said, "I think I love you." I said, "I love you too."
After T's tantrums, I told B I needed a five-minute break. I sat in the car and tried to answer the million texts of congratulations I had received several days ago and hadn't had a moment to respond to. When I came in the house with T, B had been tidying up the kitchen!

I put a lot of posts on Facebook about how wonderful it was to finally be a mom:

"On Thursday two darling sisters, ages 8 and 2, came to stay with us. It has been a whirlwind of laughter, cuteness, and so much more fun than I ever imagined! The dreams that Dave and I have had for years are finally being fulfilled. Hide and seek, bedtime stories, playing in the bath tub, walking with a stroller, cuddling, making dinner together, helping with reading, girls' movie nights, waking up in the middle of the night, decorating bedrooms, carrying a diaper bag, trunk or treating, hairstyling, playing dress up, peek a boo, play doh, coloring books, and toys strewn all over the house. We don't know how long they'll be with us, but we're cherishing every minute."

"Trick or treating, carving pumpkins, putting up Halloween decorations, making Halloween treat bags, the school Halloween parade, Jungle Jim's Playland, clothes shopping, giving the dog a bath, impromptu Would You Rather games, family movie night, play cell phones with secret texts to each other, late nights wandering the house with a toddler nuzzled against my chest, and family dinners full of laughter with the girls have made my life blissful."

"Let me just tell you that the girls in our home are not the kids in foster care you typically hear about. They are polite and respectful. They help out around the house. They try whatever food is put in front of them. They get along well with each other. They are outgoing and make friends easily. They are very affectionate. They are kind to our dog. They behave just like other 8- and 2-year-olds. They just need a place to stay and a lot of love. We're happy to give it to them!"

At dinner we would play Would You Rather? B would come up with the most disgusting scenarios, usually involving drinking bath tub water. It was so delightful laughing together as a family each evening.
One of my favorite memories with the girls was Halloween. My dad kindly offered to give out candy at our house so that we could all go trick-or-treating together. T refused to wear her costume. I carried her around most of the night and she was delighted each time someone gave her candy. She always said, "Thank you" in the cutest toddler voice you can imagine. Everyone fawned over her. Dave generously offered to carry B on his shoulders when she got tired. The two of them made up silly songs together and just laughed and laughed together all night long. I remember thinking that my dreams had finally come true. Life couldn't be any better than this.
At bedtime, Dave would sit in B's room and tell her funny stories. If you know Dave, you know he has an incredible repository of hilarious stories and he's the absolute best story teller. B just ate it up. Every time someone came over to our home, she would ask him to tell them one of his stories. She would tell them to her friends. It was so sweet how they connected over bedtime stories. Then he would sing her his favorite French lullaby and stay there until she fell asleep. I would read stories with T and have her fall asleep on my lap in the rocking chair or I would drive her around in the car until she fell asleep. She had always slept in a bed with someone else, so getting her to sleep alone in her room was a major challenge.
After two weeks of living in our home, T finally let Dave pick her up. It was such a sweet moment.
The girls both came to us with health problems. In fact, most of the first Saturday we had together was spent at a clinic. It was really wonderful to see how the girls' health improved while living in our home for only a few weeks.
Five days after the girls came to us, we had court to confirm that there was good reason for the girls to be removed from their home. I met the girls' birth mother and she told me that she had a relative who would be taking the girls while she couldn't care for them. I was devastated. We had already fallen in love with them. I had already been bargaining with God to let me keep them. 

I met the girls' aunt and a few of her sons at a meeting with the caseworker, nurse, and other social workers. They had a great family and a strong relationship with the girls, so that made me feel a little better.
The three weeks with the girls just sped by. Dave and I spent many evenings looking at photos we had taken of them and talking about how wonderful, sweet, and adorable they are. And then we cried, thinking about them leaving us. 

The First Day

Dave and I had been licensed foster parents for three weeks. I was panicking at every phone call I received. I hesitated to make any plans in case I got "the call." I had backup plans for everything going on in my life, including vacations. On Thursday, October 24th at around 3:00 I got a phone call about two sisters ages 8 and 2. They were going to be removed from their home that evening and it was possible that they were going to be taken to their grandmother's. We were asked to be backup if that didn't work out. I said "yes" without consulting Dave. Oops. Thankfully, when I called and told him about the girls, he said, "you know what my answer is." He came home early from work and set up a toddler bed, enlisting the help of our kind friend Chad. I arranged furniture in the bedrooms and put out toys for them to play with. I contacted my backup substitute for the ESL class I was scheduled to teach that night. Dave went to his choir practice. At around 5:00 I got a phone call from the caseworker telling me that she was on her way to my home with the girls. There was no mention of the grandmother. I called Dave and he signed in at the choir practice and then left. 

B, the 8-year-old, was still crying when she arrived. T, the two-year-old, went straight for the toys I had laid out and was as pleasant as could be. I brought B a glass of water and a box of tissues and she calmed down pretty quickly. The caseworker said she'd check in the following day and then left. I showed the girls their rooms and introduced them to Kira. We played with play doh until Dave came home. We had macaroni and cheese for dinner and then I took the girls shopping while Dave finished dealing with the toddler bed.

The girls hadn't brought anything with them besides a small bag of T's toys. T wasn't even wearing shoes. We spent a couple of hours at the store buying diapers, shoes, bedding, underwear, and pajamas. Thankfully B recalled what size diaper T wore because I had no idea how to select diapers and T's was quite full by this point. B loved having me take pictures of her modeling clothes in the dressing room. T loved running around the store with my phone in her hands. 

As we drove home T called me "Mommy." B told me that she calls a lot of people that. B wondered where her mother was and told me a little about being taken away from her that day. 

B went to sleep on her own, excited about her new One Direction bedspread and her own room. When she lived with her mother she had slept on the couch. I had no idea how to get a toddler to fall asleep. I let T play with some cups on my lap until she fell asleep at almost 11:00.